Crunchy White

How to Have Sex With Crunchy White

2009-06-13T19:22:00.005-04:00

Just to clear things up. Crunchy doesn't try to get laid. They're supplied with a printed catalogue featuring every woman who's in the audience at their show or in the crowd at a club. Upon entering any space where Crunchy may be within 500 miles, a woman is required to have her picture taken for the chance to sleep with a member of Crunchy that night. She's then given a small beeper, like the ones supplied at restaurants when you're table's ready. Should the beeper go off at any time before 8:00am the following morning, that woman has a 1 in 10,000 chance to sleep with a member of the group, and must start heading toward the group's location for the off chance the beeper goes off again. This will take her odds down to 1 and 9000. Should the beeper go off again, the woman must start jogging lightly toward a faint light in the sky, launched by phelps, to help guide all the potential skanks to Crunchy's location. Every time the beeper goes off, the odds decrease by 1,000, and the woman must then enter into a full sprint toward Crunchy. The first major landmark is 1 in 5,000 odds. At this point, the woman must survive a Crunchy-designed obstacle course, complete with a Gator-infested moat, molten lava rain shower system, and mine fields in order to remain eligible for that Auggie penis. The handful of skanks that complete the course are then offered a pair of plastic roller skates that strap on to your feet, but are not actual full-booted roller skates comonly used in roller rinks or derbies. They then skate into oncoming rush-hour traffic for the next 4 hours in the pitch dark. In the off-chance a few of the skanks survive this crucial phase, they are then provided with a vision street wear-designed skateboard in order to traverse the himilayas. None of the women who enter the himalayan phase of their journey have ever made it to Crunchy for their Coke N' Ass Sex Reward session. Therefore the group has never bothered to figure out what the next phase would be. Instead, after realizing the skank probably died, they wind up porking the one to they left and right side.

One,
-Phelps

Her name is Sprinkles...

2009-04-11T09:51:00.003-04:00

She's Auggie favorite ride for running errands around town.

Grounded!!

2009-04-08T22:28:00.002-04:00

Here's an aerial shot of my bedroom. Been spending a lot of time in here. Daddy ground Auggie cuz I don't share. But only a baby can't do a pound of blow. How'z I supposed to know he wanted some too?!

We are what we eat

2009-03-25T22:00:00.004-04:00

Here's a pic of our compost heap in the back a da crib.

Auggie's new puppy, Labia!! All we do is play!!

2009-03-16T12:07:00.001-04:00

Mr. Picklez Goes To Washington

2009-03-06T20:26:00.003-05:00

From what my handlers tell me, people been sweatin' pretty hard cause Picklez hasn't written something for a while. I can understand that. For real, I do. I once didn't listen to a recording of myself for a week because I was leading a spiritual meditation retreat in Bhutan and I felt myself, you know, dying on the inside.

As always, I've been up to enormously, tremendously, ground shattringly big things, and this is why you have not heard from me. I've been in Washington, DC for the last 7 days, and am ready to announce that a Crunchy White memorial will be completed within one year at the site of the former Lincoln Monument. In discussions for a long time with the department of the interior, the final decision to leave the White House in its current location was made after I realized that it just wasn't the right piece of land for Crunchy's eternal shrine.

I'll be hittin you with more details as I get them but let me tell you what to expect. "The Crunchy" as the monument will be called, will be the first national landmark with a velvet rope, bouncer, and guestlist. Once inside, a 50' x 50' marble statue will eternalize Crunchy in "The VIP Section of History." Picklez will be holding his Grey Goose bottle westward, symbolizing the never-ending search for dime-pieces. Young Lil's cocaine filled hands will extend eastbound, while Lil' August will be symbolically breaking a drug-filled Mexican pinata with simply his gaze. The words "Et tu, vendi vicci Champodka et Fleep Floop" will appear in neon strip club lighting above the memorial to symbolize the pointlessness of existence before Crunchy White.

Admission will be $250 for adults, and $175 for children and infants.

It's hard to believe I used to live this way...

2009-03-03T22:01:00.002-05:00

It brings tears to Auggie's eyes just thinkin bout what life used to be like for ya boy. Struggle was constant. No one should ever have to be in the same room twice. Shit's gross. Auggie need a fruit pop...

TRILLIONAIRE'S CURSE by Young Lil

2009-03-02T14:04:00.000-05:00

Feeling really down on my self today. No appetite. For coke that is. Come to think of it, my chef prepared me my favorite chicken fried money platter and I only ate half of that too. Damn. Sometimes I feel that no therapist or mother’s touch can heal me of this “trillionaire’s curse”. I should probably hire a therapist and a mother to be sure of this though. If someone out there wants to sell me their mother, what’s your asking price? Prolly buy three off you. Any takers?

You're Welcome, Texas

2009-02-24T20:24:00.003-05:00

No one in the state of Texas has a mortgage anymore. Plus, Auggie porked all they bitches. Ha. Ha. You know...

It's not true...on opposite day

2009-02-17T22:04:00.004-05:00

You know who it is.

There's been rumors in the media about Auggie havin' a raunchy nine-way with Europe, North America, South America, Australia, Rainbow Brite, Africa, Asia, and Antarctica after Crunchy's Strait of Gibraltar show last night. This is completely false!! Auggie fucked Antarctica before the show, even though this skanky-ass continent knew it was Auggie nap time.

Valentine's Day in Picklez's World

2009-02-17T14:14:00.006-05:00

This Picklez. Many people have been writing to me wanting to know what I did for Valentine's Day. While I'm well known for driving through the walls of clubs to avoid a line, and keeping shot girls on extended dog leashes to ensure my drinks are served on time; people close to me know my true colors and the size of this heart (brought to you by scion).

This year, I rented out Madison Square Garden to house my Valentines. Once we got the room ho-filled and turned away the line of hos waiting for hours in line outside, we got things poppin. Although I was still in Los Angeles at the scheduled show time, filming an episode of Law and Order VIP Section, I made a point of starting the show only 8 hours late. Any Crunchy White fan will tell you my commitment to these hos was strong to start so soon.

Once I got in the building, I treated these bitches to a solo Picklez performance. I debuted a few pieces I've been working out on the harp, saxophone, tuba, and french horn. I've never actually played any of these instruments, but female reporters for the NY Times, The Economist, and CrunkWeek all reported the material could compete against the world's leading symphony orchestras. I closed the shit on a spiritual note, remaking "We Are The World" to "I Are The World" with a boys choir from Montego Bay, Jamaica. Man, all 32 minutes of the show was killin and will be available to the public for a special retail price of $332456.95. Look out for that.

Maybe it was her Destiny all along?

2009-02-13T23:19:00.002-05:00

Money is supposed to help people, we’re told. Crunchy thought an extra zillion could help Destiny reach a new level of skank. So Pickelz made it rain in the club. But instead, she died from the weight of her good fortune, and Crunchy had sex with other bitches who were still alive.

M&M Mars Has Completed My Snickers Jacket

2009-02-12T21:38:00.001-05:00

Caramel, Peanuts, Milk Chocolate, Nougat, High Fructose Corn Syrup, Leather

CAN YOU GET AN STD FROM A DEAD BITCH?

2009-02-11T21:50:00.006-05:00

Can you? Cuz I didn’t think about it when I fucked that one dead bitch from the club. I had my dawg drop her off at my crib while I went and made this money, so that’s like a good hour and a half maybe to get her good and deader. But I’m not sure that’s enough time to kill all that other shit out there I don’t know about.
If only I didn't feed her to my pet aligator after I nutted in her. Maybe I can get my aligator tested? Shoulda worn that condom I had made out of diamonds. ANYONE GOT AN ANSWER?!?

in the shower on the phone,
Young Lil

10% Off Calls To The West Coast...

2009-02-11T21:49:00.004-05:00

Believe it.

I get trillions of emails a day from fans dying to know how I got this hot long distance set up. Each email ends with the same realization: They remember who I am, and then, sadly, who they are.

This the kid who wipes with what you make in your whole life.

- The hottest month of the year

Trippin Ova Trillz

2009-02-10T19:19:00.004-05:00

You know who it is.

So this ain't about our new single...All Auggie wanted was his midnite snack: A room temperature glass of Nes Quik with four straws and a oopsie-woopsie splash a surrup, a wild cherry Toaster Strudel cut in 5 equal pieces, and a balla Bolivia. But someone left a Trill on the staircase, and Auggie went tumblin. Thankfully, Auggie landed on another Trill someone left at the bottom of those stairs.

Greetings From Legoland

2009-02-09T21:48:00.003-05:00

You know who it is. Lil August. Back home after 157 months on tour. And they still ain’t done with the lotion room in my Lego mansion. Does anyone else suffer like Auggie do? Doubt it.

Picklez speaks

2009-02-05T13:21:00.004-05:00

This Big Pickelz. Usually I talk and people listen. Now I'll type and you'll listen. I'm cool wit that. Anyway I can make people shut their own mouth and look at me will do. I lecture on Tuesdays at Stanford and Thursdays at Brown. My students prob'lly couldn't tell the difference between tonic water and grapefruit juice before entering my class and they leave experts on 48 different types of orange juice that they can mix with vodka in the world's finest VIP sections. Point is they listen. And they learn. I'd recommend the same for you. This Crunchy's world and I'm using the wireless connection in the champagne room right now.

Recent Press Clippings

2009-02-04T20:06:00.009-05:00

I have gathered a collection of recent magazine covers featuring Crunchy White. Enjoy!

Meet Phelps, your blogger

2009-02-04T19:19:00.003-05:00

Hello Crunchy White fans, members of the press, and all acting third parties . For those of you who don't already know me, I am "Phelps," Crunchy White's butler and official Press Secretary. I have been personally asked by Crunchy White's manager to create this blog and serve as liaison between Crunchy White and the public. First, I will begin by clearing one piece of misinformation plaguing our fans. All Crunchy White commemorative plates currently being sold on cable and on Ebay are fraudulent and are NOT officially sanctioned by Crunchy White. To purchase authentic Trillionairity plates, please visit your local Linens and Things and present gift code "champodka."

Secondly, it is true, "Trillionairity" has been leaked by Crunchy White themselves. I myself recently overheard some gentlemen at a Sbarros expressing doubt about the leak's origin. I can assure you all that the version of "Trillionairity" currently available on this blog is the actual album. We are aware of the various conspiracy theories currently making rounds and ask that everybody please settle down and exercise their better judgements. Crunchy White has never collaborated with any acting governments and frankly is worth more than all of them put together.

Today's winner is Angie-Mae Jackson, 44, from St. Louis MO.
Question: What are Lil August's favorite snacks?
Answer: Pretzel Combos and lollipops.

Crunchy White "Trillionairity" has leaked.

2009-02-04T17:46:00.011-05:00

Crunchy White has just leaked their new album "Trillionairity." They recorded it over the course of 3 straight days while flying aboard their custom Virgin G5 space hovercraft. As Crunchy White refused to land until the album was complete, a costly refueling maneuver had to be undertaken by the United States Air Force. Luckily for humanity, Crunchy has touched down and leaked their new album to their eager fans. When asked why they would deliberately release their music to the world for free, Crunchy White replied "we eat this money. we got so much money, the bank won't even take it. we gotta eat it."

-Crunchy White's new album "Trillionairity (The Album)" is out now, leaked on the internet. Rolling Stone. January 2012.